Phases There is a part of me that loves everything I see. I see beauty in everyday objects. Or am I tricking myself? I want to rub off as someone better than all. But it only seperates me from those who I want to befriend. Hatred runs through my blood. And in my eyes, the only thing that's harmed me is faith. But I have no other reason to hate it than to rebel against what is uniform. To say specifics is to be too shallow. As well as to be to deep. Veering off course comes often, but I end up half assing a way to excuse it. I don't understand myself. I want to be accepted, but I can't bring myself to do it. Things I should be happy about, hurt the most. Because I only think of myself. I am selfish. I am hatred. I am useless. I am my own enemy. And my own worst nightmare. Too quick to judge. Too quick to choose. I don't want to continue. But there's nothing to loose.
Oh how I miss the days of VHS... There was really something special about those old VHS tapes. They made things seems a lot more comforting and cozy. I remember every Friday while I was growing up (Prior to the year 2000 when I got my first DVD player) my Uncle Carl and I would go to Hollywood Video and rent a movie to watch that night. Most of the time we would rent a family movie just because it appealed to the both of us. My uncle loves kid's movies, and knowing that he enjoyed a movie as much as I did made the time I spent watching the movies a whole lot more exciting. There were some days we would go to the theater and see a newly released film, then that same night go rent a movie. Those double features were some of the best times of my life.
Before the movie we'd throw a frozen pizza in the oven we had picked up from the Publix that was right across the parking lot from the video store. But most often we'd make spaghetti while the previews on the tape were playing. Uncle Carl always has spaghetti and sauce in abundance, so it was the best choice a lot of the time. We'd sit on his couch, eating on top of the metal fold-out "TV dinner" table and the yellow stool. I always got the table, because I always splattered the sauce, be it from pizza or spaghetti. We'd sit, filling our stomach's with some great tasting food while we waited through the fifteen minutes of previews they always had on the tapes. First it was coming to theaters, then it was coming to video... Always. We didn't mind, really. It gave us time to prepare food and we got a peak at some movies we might want to rent the next week. But then there was the title card marked "Feature Presentation", and that was my cue to yell "It's starting". Most of the time Id have to pause the video there because the food wasn't done yet or Uncle Carl had to run to the bathroom first. The hissing of the video tape set the mood. The horrible sound quality made it known that there was a movie playing. Occasionally there would be lines moving up and down the picture showing the usage of the tape. It was something spectacular.
VHS was something to look forward to every Friday night for me... Until the DVD came along. Now there's nothing wrong with DVDs, as you know I own plenty of them. But they lack the comforting abilities that the VHS tapes had. Surrounded by old books that I had watched my uncle collect over the years, with an air conditioner that blew the coldest air that side of Bradenton, I felt relaxed. I take this for granted now. No longer is it an event to watch a film on home video. I can just slap a DVD in the tray and hit play. No setting up food, and since I work when my uncle doesn't I usually watch movies alone late at night. It lost some of the luster it had when I was younger.
Reminiscing on things I will miss as I quickly grow older and move on to a life without such a large safety net, I realize that I really don't want to move on. My dreams of people knowing my name and seeing and hearing the things I have to say through film really don't matter when I remember these great times I had as a kid. I sit here a think sometimes how great it would be to live the rest of my life out as the child I use to be. Obviously this is out of the question, but it's a wonderfully comforting thought when the fear of moving comes along.
I will miss the past, I hope one day I can return to some of the good times I had, just to experience them one last time before I am too old to care about anything but the present.
P.S. Excuse the horrible grammar and writing, I am extremely tired, but can't seem to fall asleep.
I went to a money wasting summer camp until I was old enough to tell my parents I didn't want to go anymore and then I stayed at home every day watching movies and slothing it up.
Spending time with my uncle... is going to be one thing I'm going to miss when I move. While sometimes he can be very critical of my behaviors and such, I have learned so much from him. If it wasn't for his interest in getting me interested in something, I doubt my love for art of all kinds would have come this far. I might have turned out like one of those fakes who roams the Sarasota ares looking for culture in things that just aren't special. Seeing the new Pixar films tonight, Ratatouillie really made me think about how much I am going to miss hanging out with him. Not only does he treat me to almost everything, he teaches me so much. Although Ive already went over it, Im going to re-hash it. He has taught me so much and I will never be able to give him enough thanks. He is one of the many important reasons I will be successful.
Speaking of success, I have thought of something. One might thing I may be a bit arrogant or cocky by stating the fact that I "will" be successful. Instead of seeing a statement like that as one of arragance, look at it as a statement of pride, drive and hope.
Hey, this is one step towards more positive thinking. It's a good thing, right?
Tonight was a bad night. I got clocked in the face after throwing Nathan off of my car. It was an accident, as I really didn't expect him to fall off, but none the less.... I don't know. I was really pissed because all they ever do as a group to me is ostracize and antagonize me. It's not comforting. Then again, I'm not even sure who my friends are at this point. I know Nick is pissed at me. If he still wants to be my friend after this I have no idea... I did throw his brother from my car... But it's as if they think I have no feelings at all. As if they think only of themselves, which would not surprise me because 98% of the human populous only considers themselves. I mean, all I get is flack and I never ignite it. I really don't feel like writing any more though. So consider this, readers. Why, in general, do people need to feel better than others? I do it, you do it, everyone does it. But what drives us to feel this way? Please tell me. Night.
I leave in almost exactly two months... well, it's been official for awhile now, but now it's past official... it's OFFICIAL. See what I did there? The capital letters make it seem like it's more important. But enogh of that nonsense. I leave for Tallahassee in two months and I can't seem to grab ahold of that notion. Ugh. I want to forget about it for two months... I'll enjoy life more I think.
What bothers me the most is that I didn't get into the film school. I can understand why to a point. But what bothers me the most is that the kids who did get in all look like pretentious pricks. To judge them right off the bat, the handful of kids I saw were of these classifications: Scene kids, yuppies, mole people and what looked to be one normal, ordinary passionate student. But then again I've never been good at labeling things let alone people. I know what I want to do with my life and I shouldn't have to worry about getting into a fucking school for it. It makes me sick that all these jerks are getting in to the damn school for the presumed reason of the job being easy (Which it is not) and I, one who has learned so much from watching films, one who has a passion for expressing everything from philosophies to my opinions to hard to understand emotions on film has a very little chance of getting in. Why? I'm not rich. These kids have money. The parents already have an in with the cunt who runs the fucking school. Now I'm all for equal rights, but I do not believe a fat woman should run a film school. Why? Let me put it this way: 3/4 of the kids who did get in were female. Fat women blame their gearth on men, and take everything out on them... Blah. I'm just being an ass hole now, an I realize it, but I need to tak my anger out. So excuse my generalizations and vague comments, please. I don't really mean them, often... But this woman was such a bitch it astounded me. She made myself and everyone who wants into the film school feel like shit. Why should I volunteer to work for these film school fucks? These kids who I look down on? Why should I change my opinions to look up to them. UGH! It makes me sick. So this whole paragraph has been me writing in a rather brash and un-enlightening fashion to let out my anger... Please excuse it. FUCK! Im just so pissed. If only a golden hen had fell in my lap. These kids do not have an original bone in their body and you can tell it from the way they walk to the way they talk to the way they dress. Fuck them!
Enough of that though. As I do not want to make an every day thing out of typing expletives in this blog. But God, I look back on great artists I look up to and it seems their lives just feel in place so easily and simply. Then again maybe they were going through the exact same things I was. I'm not sure. None the less, I will make it a point to make my dreams come true. I know what I want to do with my life and some film school who wants to churn out the same old Hollywood shit will not hold me back. I repeat, will not! This is my written promise with my digital signature. [Thomas J. Nudi II]
Thats enough writing for today, at least in this blog. I feel as if I can go on forever, because of my anger, but I will relax now. I am just questioning everything right now and I don't want to feel like this. So I need a period of rest.
Well, after going on an over-night drunk, expelling everything from fluids to solids that laid in my stomach, driving around Bradenton and Anna Maria Island with my cousin and filling my stomach back up with country fried stek and eggs at Denny's I have nothing but a clear mind.
Granted, this was four days ago, and now my mind is cluttered. After hanging out with Fish alone for the first time in a month or two I realized the idea that he hated hanging out with me was simply a paranoia. He just forgets to call or return phone calls. Which isn't that bad... At least I know he doesn't hate me.
Although after Ates having his car for about a month I realize the only reason he hung out with me so much had to be, simply, because I had a vehicle and he didn't. Where I was once number two in his top eight, right after his girl friend, I am now number three behind Tim, the Russian. No longer do I get calls from Ates seeing if I want to hang out, and no longer does he make time to hang out. When I call his house, he's hanging out with Tim. When I ask him in advance if he wants to hang out he says "No, I was going to hang out with Tim." or "I'm going to call Tim to see if he wants to hang out." I'm not tremendously worried. I'm just really pissed. I have been friends with Ates for four years and to be pushed aside kind of hurts. It's as if Ates is oblivious to the shit he's doing. Whatever. I am moving to Tallahassee in two months and where I had once cared, I don't anymore. If Ates wants to kill a friendship, let him.
Aaron is out with Marissa all the time, and rightfully so. He needs to get back together with her. I hold nothing against him. As well as Nick who will be moving to Tallahassee with me and needs to spend as much time with Raven as possible.
Chris Sanders is up in Appollo Beach and is putting no stress on moving down to Bradenton. He's taking his sweet old time. Who knows?
The fact is, the bunch I hung out with all the time... The group who I once called my best friends seems to be dying. As we all go our seperate ways and as some of us destroy our friendships (Ates) this story seems to be coming to an end. I plan on keeping in touch with everyone, but their interest in keeping in touch with me may not be there.
Fish, Aaron, Nick and Chris... I know you guys will always keep in touch... Nick, you really don't have a choice. Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Ates, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you at this point.
It's 4:49 a.m. as a begin to write... and I have accomplished almost nothing today (That's a lie.) I have to be at Bayshore in three hours and ten minutes and I haven't had a lick of sleep. It's ok though. Mindless activities tomorrow. Work on Thursday which should be decent as long as my manager hasn't noticed the half-assed job I did cleaning the other day. Oh well... That's what happens when he want's me to start a big cleaning project during business hours. What the hell do we have janitors for anyway? I'm pretty sure they do nothing at ngiht anyway, because the store always looks like trash. I just watched The Fountain and it was spectacular. For some reason I went and ordered the soundtrack right after watching it which is dumb, since I need all the money I can get right now... I wish it was like the old days where I could frivolously spend all my money with no worries or regrets. Fucking bills. College I imagine will be worse on my wallet. Well I have to urinate so I bid you a-do.
And so the near future was determined. It is definite. Nick will be going to FSU, so no worries of rooming with a complete stranger or not having someone to hang with up in Tallahassee. Although Fields and Bob will be up there.
It's going to be tough leaving all my friends back down in Bradenton. Chris Sanders, Ates, Fish, Aaron, Avi and everyone else. Those guys are like brothers to me, since I never had any siblings growing up. But, I'm not forgetting them. Thanks to the internet I can communicate with all of them whenever. And it's not like I'm not coming back every so often to visit.
It will be good to start anew, but it's frightening. It's a huge step. I'm going to enjoy life right now until I leave.
I was so stressed out at work today, for no reason I could put my finger on specifically. Oh well, it's over now... For at least two days. Actually, the rest of the week since I'm working produce the rest of it. That will be nice. I love produce, it's so laid back there. No one bothers me, and when I feel tired I can take a seat in the cooler and "zen" out. I loved when I was full time in that department.
Well I want to get to bed.
Love, Nudi
Current Music:Danny Elfman - Serenada Schizophrana
Let me tell you something about Night at the Museum... as you all know I'm an aspiring filmmaker who takes film seriously. Now you all know I judge films and give critiques to those who ask. Well if you didn't know already I judge family films separately from all other films... Thus, I must tell you Night at the Museum was a mighty fine film. I rented it just to see a movie where I could just relax and enjoy... To simply be entertained. And that's what I got, pure entertainment. But this is movie that reminds me of the kids movies I loved growing up as a kid. Mrs. Doubtfire, We're back! and others. If I were a five year old this would probably be my favorite movie until I was 13, no joke. It was great to watch after I had went back to my old elementary/middle school to visit as well. On a day where I was reliving the past, this movie really topped it off and it was like I was a kid again... A feeling I have been wanting to feel again since I entered high school. I feel so much better, out of this slump that I had been in since February. A night of feeling like I had felt back in fifth grade was just what I needed. A trip back to my old school, a family movie that reminded me of the old days and nothing troubling on my mind. Right now, and I love saying this, I am in a complete state of happiness. The only thing that could bring me down would be waking up tomorrow to a day I know that is going to be busy and rushed. I hope to have another one of these days again someday... Soon would be nice, but I don't want to spoil something. I want a day like this to be special. Something exclusive that happens every blue moon. God, I feel good.
Current Music:The music from the DVD menu of Night at the Museum
Two roads... As we all head out into the real world we come to a temporary stop. There is a fork in this road we call life and Summer gives us just enough time, if not more, to decide which path we want to take. One path is an easy way to money with a harder and longer route to happiness and the other is the complete opposite. Which will you take? Either way, if you work hard you're going to end up in the exact same place. I'm gonna go with the latter.
I haven't written one of these in awhile. So I think I need to post something. I always feel like writing but never do... I don't know why. Too busy is a good excuse so I think I'll use it.
First things first, I would like to point out that Albertsons is possibly the worst place you could work, but the most fun. Confusing, I know... Let me put it this way... I am being pushed out of a department by a group of females who can't run the lobby themselves without an emotional outburst on a customer if the customer pisses them off in any way, with the exception of Erica, who is possibly one of the most stable females I have ever met. The reason why it's so fun is because I get away with so much. My friends work there, we talk most of the time. We have a blast. Break some rules, and hardly ever does someone notice. But back to my complaining... I keep getting smart ass comments from my manager about my work ethic. He comments about how I "don't do anything" or "never work", he compares my work ethic to the females who I work with. One thing you need to keep in mind about the girls I work with (With the exception of Erica) is that they are complete fucking dolts.
Lindsey opens the lobby, stays there until Heather gets in then leaves to go "work" upstairs with her boyfriends mom.
Heather always has a horrible attitude, and calls me immature when I hardly ever talk to her. The reason I believe she thinks I am immature is because I make really cheesy jokes to try and lighten the mood when talking to her occasionally because she always seems upset (Which is her fault for letting shit get to her). So when asked if she likes working with me she says no because I'm "immature". Everytime I go back there she has everything I organized the night prior organized a completely different, cluttering and inefficient way, so I have to go and fix everything so things fit on the small counter space we have and it's in easy reach for me. Her till is always a mess, nothing is in an organzied manner, but this remains the same with all of the female employees I work with. To put it simply, Heather is probably the dumbest bitch I've ever encountered before in my 18 years on this planet. Not only did she have her first child when she was 16, but she had another one with a completely different father. Success is not a word she will ever become familiar with, especially when she talks like she has shit in her mouth.
Erica is a fun person to work with but un-reliable. When she tells me she is coming in to work with me, she always opts out to go do something else, so essentially gets my hopes up then kicks me in the stomach. That's my only major problem with her. Otherwise a great employee.
But Crystal is possibly the worst of them all. I usually come in a few minutes late because I usually grab something to eat after school and prior to that drop people off. I'm usually only late by two to five minutes. She flips when this happens and complains about it. When she is supposed to work with me, she ends her shift early and leaves. When she is supposed to work with me and needs the hours she goes to a different department to talk to the employees there. The lobby gets busy and I am stuck with a line backed up to the fucking bakery. She always has an attitude and is never pleasent. I am completely sick of seeing her around.
Working in the lobby has even more down sides than you would think. On top of the incompitance I see almost every day within these females I have to struggle to get a break. I like to take my breaks at 6 - 6:30, because those are prime dinners times for me. It's when I'm usually hungry and when I just need a break from dealing with the idiot, white trash, inbred fucks that come to the customer service department that try to screw over the system so they can cash in and exploit a luxury we provide to the honest customers we have. I have come to a point working at Albertsons where I am fucking with my managers heads until they give me a proper break at a proper time. Could you believe I use to have to beg to get a break at 7:30? This was well past the LEGAL time a minor HAS to take a break. I learned how to exploit my rights as an American to get what I want. I simply threaten that I will walk out and leave my till open and lotto tickets on the counter and they run over to replace me while I grab a bite to eat. Don't even get me started on the reasons they give me that they can't give me a break.
One bitch that has really been bothering me is an ugly fat cunt named Stephanie. For some reason, one month into working at Albertsons she has this complex that makes her believe she is my manager. Once again I have learned to deal with my "natural surroundings", I simply fuck with her when she needs something from me. She usually is the closing cashier. A lot of people come in for cigarettes when I close at 9 p.m. So to piss her off I simply tell the customers that come to me asking to check out some ciggarettes that they have to get them from the register and I cannot hand them the ciggarettes. Simply because I want to make the fat bitch walk and build up some anger.
But enough about Albertsons.
I went to this "party" tonight at a local private high school. Not only was the high school creepy as hell since it housed a shit load of rich white kids, foreign students whos parents have money and the fuck ups who weren't allowed into our county's local public schools, it had some of the wierdest school equipment I've ever seen. I honestly cannot comprehend how a school that according to it's students makes nearly 200,000 dollars a month on tuition alone cannot afford proper desks for students. For God's sake they were using fold out card tables! Oh well. One day I'll be rich, and I'll build my own school where evry student is issued one hand gun just to keep things interesting.
Aside from the schools physical features, the students were crazy. What seemed to be yuppies, they actually seemed to have more hippie-like qualities. The way they acted, did things and spoke reminded me of some of the free spirits I've met throughout my life. It was one "far out" experience.
One thing stood out to me the most, though. This girl. I don't know her name, but she was fucking gorgeous. I would have done anything to just have one night with her. She has to be one of the most beautiful girls, if not the most beautiful girl, I have ever seen. Black hair that had a consistancy that reminded me of liquid and eyes as blue as the Carribean sea shores. A face that had the most perfect shaping. A body that was just right, with breasts that were "humble", the kind I like. I though I was going to cream just looking at her. Honestly, down right heart-stabbingly beautiful.
Turns out my old friend Brian goes to the school and I shared with him one of the most powerful hand shakes ever. We haven't seen each other in years so it's one of those hand shakes that adds a hugs that could crush the chest of a man with steel ribs. Truthfully, my back was in pain after the handshake. It was great seeing someone I used to be such good friends with but lost connection to after Kindergarten. Great person with a personality that just attracts friendship.
Well, in the end the party got busted when apparently a quarter of a bag of weed was found, siting out in broad sight on a table in the brightly-lit hall we were in. We, as in me, Fish and Bob ended up going to Perkins to get something to drink... Somewhere between the school and Perkins I stepped in something I can only hope is dog shit, because it smells horrid.
Earlier in the day I had a job shadow with Sound Stage One Sarasota. Possibly one of the best experiences of my life. Not only did I learn a lot that I didn't know about the technical and artistic aspects of making a film, I learned a lot about how success is made and how I can shape it. It's going to be a lot of a hard work but hopefully I will make my dreams come true. I was offered an internship with them for over the summer which I plan on taking and putting as much effort into as possible. It's such a friendly environment with such a easy going atmosphere.
I have been listening to a lot of East Coast hip-hop lately and am loving it. I love the jazz infused sounds. From The Roots, to Mos Def to Common I can't get enough of it. The way the emcees rap is so poetic and the music produced matches it perfectly setting an atmosphere that paints a very detailed picture that helps the emcee tell his story.
Now I am sitting in my room with a Girls Gone Wild infomercial playing wondering how a dumb son of a bitch like the guy who invented this makes so much money. Soon he'll be forgotten hopefully and we can all live life without an idiot like that exploiting anebriated girls.
Two days ago I registered as a Republican even though I consider myself a moderate. I think my political beliefs are closer to Republican than Democratic beliefs anyways.
Finally on one last note before I go lay down and pass out I am going to try my best to buy a hand gun before 2009. Because if Barack Obama gets in office he will take away my rights to bear a semi-automatic weapon and I will not be unprotected while we have criminals who can get anything illegal anytime they want without any trouble walking down the streets.
That's it for tonight I guess. I'll post more often if I get the chance so you won't have to read as much in one sitting ever again... If anyone reads this at all.
I haven't written something in awhile so I have something to say! So I am watching MTV right now... You know, the station "all about music". Well, there's this new show on (New meaning first time I've seen it.) where two couples are split up over Spring break and mix matched. Meaning one guy from one couple goes with a girl from the opposite couple and vise-versa. Well, during this period that they are switched, one of the "new" couples gets to spy on the other while they go on a vacation at a resort. The whole time MTV instigates and attempts to get the two people spying on the couple at the resort angry at their loved ones by making the two at the resort have a romantic evening with each other then play kinky sexually influenced games back in the resort's hotel suite they are staying in. To put it simply it's a sick way to get viewers. Answer me this America, or whoever reads this article. Is this really entertainment? Is this what our society has stooped to? Do we really need to attempt to ruin peoples lives to be entertained? Wow, how fucking "scandolous"! Are we all middle schoolers? Do we need to gossip and create madness in peoples lives to have fun, to have a good time? This is truly sick. Now you can call me a hypocrite all you want, I mean, I say some really sick things... Poking fun at everything from rape to suicide... But it's all in jest... It's not ruining anyones life. This is destroying "friendships" and bonds within people. Now, I can't say any of this is realy true. It could be staged, I'm not on the inside of "Hollywood", I don't know the facts. But if this is all true and real, once again, pretty sick. How this can even be considered entertainment is beyond me.
Asie from this on MTV everything seems to be focused on teen/college romantic drama in their programmings. What is the point? The same mindless dribble with some collar popping yuppies... Lame, pointless programming for the weak and feeble minded of America.
God bless America. The only nation in the world that has been going consistantly downhill since it's creation while pulling off a faux-image of greatness to other countries. Anyone who reads this blog, do me a favor and pray for this country, meditate for society, keep this and future generations in your thoughts, whatever you please to do... Because I really don't want to grow and live in a society that is going to be this fucked up and has promise to become more fucked up.
My thoughts on high school thus far while coming to the end of my high school career... High school is full of kids who want to know things but don't want to step too far to find these things out. They try to skip steps and cheat and think they know it all because of these cheap tricks. It sickens me. Then they claim to know shit and attempt to have serious conversations with people who know more and who have taken the time to know what they know and expect to be taken seriously. They lie and think nothing of it. It's sickening.
Oh, God. I've been thinking way too much lately. I need a break from all this thinking. Is there an after life? Which chick do I want to go for? Etc... etc.... I need a break.
I am sick and fucking tired of it! I am sick and tired of these fucking yuppies walking around with their digital cameras taking pictures of anything they see and calling it art. I could understand if they had a purpose behind it. If they could tell me what compelled them to take the photo, but no. All they do is give it some kind of hip title and leave it at that. The fucking want-to-be artists don't know the first thing about art... It's just disgusts me... I am bothered.
Laying on my floor.... I'm thinking about my future. All these years, the place that I've called my home will become a vacation home for me in 8 months. I'll be living on my own... I'll be on my own. It's weird to think about it. I mean, I will be without my dad for a long time. Of course I'll be back to see him, but that's 2-3 times a month MAYBE. This is going to be a very strange experience and it's going to take a lot of getting used to. The good thing is I'll have friends to help a brotha' out. I'm waiting for this change with an open mind and open arms hoping that everything will go well. I just want to make sure everything is perfect here before I move on. It's kind of like Super Mario 64, to beat it not only do you have to conquer Bowser, you have obtain every star... So let me put it this way. Before I go onto Super Mario Sunshine, I have to collect the rest of the stars in Super Mario 64... Super Mario 64 being Bradenton, Super Mario Sunshine being Tallahassee... Awww, damnit. You guys are useless, I have to spell out everything for you.
Current Mood: contemplative Current Music:Danny Elfman - Edward Scissorhands Score
I'm re-watching Au Revoir Les Enfants... and it's a refreshing experience. I haven't seen the film in 2 years, and all I could do was remember certain things about it... Which is great, I love being able to remember a film and then go back and watch it and realize that the things I thought I remembered so perfectly were slightly different, or even totally different. This film, by Louis Malle is just so perfect though. This truly is one of my favorite films, and if it wasn't for my former film teacher Doc I would have never seen it. I thank her every time I think about it. I highly reccommend this film to anyone with an interest in seeing a great film. Fuck these movies like Jackass 2! Re-release some Louis Malle films to theatres.
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nudi's journal
tired
contemplative